I don’t find this easy to write, I don’t like to talk about it. I feel stupid, foolish and very vulnerable to admit it. But I suffer from chronic mild anxiety.
To say I have never had stronger anxiety would be a lie. I have suffered from poor mental health in my life, and in all fairness, I think there have been more stressful times for me in the last ten years that have left me feeling more raw, and more anxious.
Right now, where I am at, is in a perpetual cycle of mild anxiety. It can flare up and down, but usually, it just bubbles away in my gut, getting in the way of things, whispering things in my ear.
But your life is great
That’s one of the things she whispers! Because I am #blessed with two beautiful children (even Marlow’s ears and Otis’s bedhead are perfections to me) My husband has a good job, we have a lovely home that we worked hard for, but is still a massive privilege to own.
I am happy.
I am content
I am also anxious.
Sometimes so much so I doubt many wonderful things. But I don’t discuss it, not generally because it’s so mild.
I cannot tell you how foolish I feel when needing support from others for this mild anxiety affliction. Like having a common cold and complaining to your friend with a broken leg that you feel under the weather. That’s how I feel when I need support from my friends and family.
I look at their life’s and I see their stresses and I know their struggles and I think – I need to pull myself together (there’s that whisper again)
Its not my fault
One thing I am trying to teach myself as a mantra is to keep telling myself that it’s not my fault. There are multiple contributing factors. Some glaringly obvious like sleep deprivation, postpartum hormones and being the mum to a teething toddler.
But there are subtle tones that can’t be seen by others.
My inner monologue that tells me to be ‘extra’ everyday.
My want to make a career online – using my life as the backdrop.
My self-deprecation that I am ‘not doing enough’. I should stop blogging/photo taking/Instagramming/freelancing/faffing.
I should be more ‘mum’ more ‘present’ more ‘busy’. I should be ‘more’
I’m not alone
I know I’m not alone. This internal monologue could be echoed back from hundreds of my Instagram following. That’s why I need to lift the lid on chronic my mild anxiety and share more.
I know it will help someone else. I know my words will strike a chord with someone out there and they will feel less alone.
If that you – come to say hello, drop me a DM on Instagram. I’m always happy to chat. Lets talk about it.