I shared something very personal with my readers and Instagram followers on my The 1 in 4 club – Pregnancy loss blog post. I shared something that possibly many family members and friends didn’t even know. I told the online world that at the end of February 2018 I suffered a missed miscarriage.
I wanted to document the scan day before I forget it. Its not re-live that terrible day, but more to remember it.
For me and my husband it was a memory that we shared together and it will be forever a part of us. And not something to shy away from.
As this was our second pregnancy we were confident that the pregnancy was viable. I had lots of symptoms and we had no reason to think that anything was wrong.
We had hearts full of excitement.
An Answer To My Prayers
This pregnancy was an answer to my prayers. I wasn’t looking forward to returning to my job after my maternity leave had ended. I had not left on the best of terms. It was role that trapped me with company perks but that sucked all my energy.
We also wanted close spacing for our children, I really wanted for two under two. And I knew that doing this gave us more options if we wanted to expand our family in the future to a family of 3 (or more!)
At the age of 34 I am always mindful that we have to consider my age when growing our family.
It was my dream go back to work in January 2018 already pregnant.
my two under two – leave work as early as possbile and enjoy a summer getting fat and tanned with my biggest baby boy.
And my prayers were answered. For on the 28th December we did a positive pregnancy test!
‘Enjoy Your Scan’
‘Enjoy the scan’ – the words uttered by my colleague as I skipped out of the office to go for our first 12 week scan. I had left Otis at home with my mum – her final words to me being ‘enjoy your special day’
me and my husband sat eagerly giggling in the waiting room for only minutes before we were called. How lucky were we? we didn’t even have to wait.
I had to stop myself laughing as the sonographer was applying the jelly to my tummy. I checked myself, remembering that this was a serious moment. I should not be giggling.
The wand pressed on my swollen belly.
white dot. in white circle…
lots of black
‘Im not seeing what I would expect to see for 12 weeks of pregnancy’ the sonographer said,
and she placed her hand on top of mine and squeezed.
the utter kindness
Then the internal scan
The false hope… but I knew. I knew as soon as I saw all the black. I knew my dates. I knew I was more likely 13 weeks.
It was a missed miscarriage
I could not open my mouth. I could not look at my husband. All I could do was wait.
45 mins we waited for a doctor. We drank sweet tea.
He came – he offered more false hope and asked to scan me again in two weeks.
I knew my dates.
We booked our appointment with the Early Pregnancy Consultnant for the following week and we left.
We sat in the car and my husband wanted me to let it all out.
‘Take me home, take me home to my baby boy’
As we drove at some point tears leaked out. But I kept swallowing them back. I had a desperate need to fill my face with the blonde soft hair of my son. And until I could do that I could not let anything slip.
My baby boy.
Stood in a hallway.
Her face seeing mine.
I just shook my head as if to say ‘No’ and then the tears came.
‘mum – we’ve had a missed miscarriage’.