On the 23rd of February 2018 my husband and I became part of a new club. We became part of the 1 in 4 who suffers a miscarriage.
We found out at our 12 week scan.
It was a missed miscarriage.
I want to talk
I started to write this in my head a long time ago. It has taken a lot of courage to share this.
I have decided to split the story of this experience up into four blog posts. Because I feel I have about four (in reality it is probably 100’s) of compartmentalised ways of dealing with this.
- The facts
- Scan day
- After the miscarriage
- Our next pregnancy
The saddest fact of all is that 1 in 4 pregnancy’s are lost. Not a fact I enjoy stating. And not a fact that offers any comfort to me I’m afraid. Because when it was said to me all I wanted to say was ‘But I’m 13 weeks pregnant’!
I hadn’t had any bleeding, I hadn’t had any signs that anything was wrong, I had done a pregnancy test on the 27th of December and it was positive.
I was pregnant
Not everyone has heard of this term, but sadly I knew it well. For one of my oldest and closest friends had suffered one shortly before my pregnancy with Otis. And with my previous pregnancy it was one of biggest fears.
With my second pregnancy I had all but forgotten those fears.
Until the day of the scan.
Missed miscarriages, (also know as silent abortion (which is a phrase that makes me rather sad)) is when your body doesn’t show any signs that the baby has stopped developing.
My body kept hold of the baby, I hadn’t bled, I had lots of symptoms and we were very much excited for the scan
Finding out at the scan was a shock. The perceived idea that a miscarriage = bleeding is one so familiar to us. We know that, we are some how (probably not very) prepared for it. But to come so far, and see no signs…
It just seemed so cruel.
Waiting for the 12 week scan
This pregnancy had felt like a ‘normal’ pregnancy. Having only experienced one pregnancy previous to this one all I knew was; I was tired, hungry, putting on weight, my boobs were growing and we were so excited. There was only some of morning sickness I had experienced with Otis, but every pregnancy is different. Lets just say – I was not worried going into the scan.
The 12 week scan is an important mile stone in a pregnancy, we don’t typically ‘announce’ pregnancies until after the routine scan (in the UK we have routine scans on the NHS at 12 weeks, you can pay for scans before this time, but usually most couples wait (note; pregnancies that are a result of IVF or couples that have suffered reoccurring miscarriage would be offered earlier scans on the NHS)).
And like most couples we were excited that after the 12 week scan we could tell our secret. We were bursting to tell everyone. I was more excited to tell everyone this time around than I was with Otis. The secret was about to become BIG news.
But what about when the secret doesn’t become BIG news?
It just becomes crappy news.
Don’t keep secrets
We were gutted that we had kept it a secret from a couple of friends and siblings. It wasn’t intentional, just that we hadn’t seen them, and then the scan date was coming up so we thought it would be fun to wait.
It wasn’t fun… Because it meant we had to tell them anyway, we wanted them to know, and huge part of us wishes that they had known already.
I was gutted that miscarriage is a taboo. And that people found it so hard for me to tell them about it. I was gutted it felt like a secret. I was gutted that I ‘had’ to keep it a secret afterwards. Secrets seem to be deemed bad or good. Mine wasn’t good anymore. It wasn’t good at all. But secrets that you do not tell are generally ‘bad’ secrets. This wasn’t bad… or even a secret.
It was just private.
I lost my pregnancy
I still miss my pregnancy.
You see I lost it.
And you always miss things that you have lost.
(I will write another post about this subject. For now, all I can say is that perhaps we need a bit more support out there for those experiencing early pregnancy loss.)
Opening up for you
The reason I have chosen to open up is for you!
You… The person reading this who feels lost. The person who has had their scan and came out with no picture. For those who have gone to the toilet and seen blood where there should be none. For those who have had their pregnancy bubble popped so unceremoniously. And feel like they have to just carry on like there is nothing wrong.
I hope this helps.